oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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