Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
