I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
