before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
