well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
