i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
