I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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