My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
