Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
