NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
