my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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