True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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