Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
