DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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