My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
