I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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