OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
