This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
