i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she peed on how many people?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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