When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
