Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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