I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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