Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
