last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
