i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i now understand why vodka
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
