Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
