true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
