i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
