textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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