how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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