i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
