I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
