I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
