just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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