I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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