Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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