just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
