I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
