we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
