drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
