She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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