Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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