fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
