i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
