I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
