remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
