you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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