I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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