God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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