I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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