My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
