how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
