I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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