just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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