my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
