I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My ass is underappreciated
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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